I was walking in my neighborhood with my husband, and we were behind two very young girls, maybe 11 or 12. It was a beautiful spring day, and the girls were wearing shorts and tank tops, letting their skinny, pale legs get some sun. They are at that delightfully awkward age where their limbs seemed like they just grew 5 inches, and they are walking like baby deer. Suddenly, someone driving by yelled out at the girls. Afterwards, I overheard the girls talking about it. Who was that? Was it Samantha’s dad? He doesn’t have a car like that, does he? What was he saying? I thought about the countless times that same situation has happened to me and the fear and uncertainty it always provoked--did I do something weird? Am I wearing something too sexy? Are those people going to turn around a come back? I also thought about the 10 year old neighbor girl and my 8 year old goddaughter: girls I have known from infancy; they, soon, will be experiencing the same thing. Lately, I’m finding myself more and more enraged about a routine aspect of female life: the catcall. When bringing this up with the teenagers I teach, it usually gets a laugh, and some even suggest that a catcall is a compliment. Well, there is actually a big distinction between the two.
One obvious difference is the way they are delivered. A compliment will tend to be said in a two way conversation, whether it be in speech or in writing. If it is in person, the compliment might be made while looking the other person in the eye, or at least in her general direction if it is one of those charming, shy compliments. Maybe there is a smile involved. When I think about the best compliments I have received, the ones that I still call up to boost me up on grey days, I usually recall the look on the person’s face along with the words that were said. A catcall, on the other hand, is delivered with some distance. The distance could be physical, like the girls on the street. It could also be made from the immeasurable distance of social media, the void that stretches out between people and makes a stark level of anonymity possible. The point is, a catcall is not a moment of connection. It is meant to maintain distance between the speaker and recipient. More so than distance, intention is what defines a catcall. A compliment builds someone up, makes her smile or maybe makes a connection to get a number. A catcall makes someone feel uncomfortable, makes her feel smaller and reinforces the power of the caller. I usually try to avoid absolutes because people in this world might like anything, but I have a hard time imagining the scenario where a group of guys comments on a woman’s anatomy while she’s walking down the street and she turns around and asks them for their number. Or when a woman is going for her evening jog, a carload of guys yells something out at her as they pass, and she tries to flag them down to get a ride, to get to know them better. Even the people doing the catcalling would be astonished at this outcome. So why do they do it? The intention must be something besides connection. It must be more about making the other people he is with laugh, but what is funny? The “humor” comes from seeing someone else uncomfortable, from startling someone, from provoking a reaction. These are all the classic things bullies thrive upon, and that is exactly what catcallers intend--bullying someone. A compliment is also directed toward a specific person. When I think about the best compliments I have gotten, I recall the sensation of feeling noticed, that something specific about my appearance or personality or fashion sense called to someone else. The catcall, on the other hand, since it is not a connective gesture, is about performance. Even though the catcallers may be “noticing” a characteristic, they are not recognizing someone’s individuality. In fact, the catcall generalizes. Instead of making a woman feel noticed or special, it reduces her to her body parts or the surface of her appearance. Often, the catcall is just about reinforcing a female stereotype. One night after I had recently had my son, I got to sneak away from the duties of a new mom to go out with a group of other new moms. It was winter in Michigan, so we were all bundled in puffy coats and hats. Under our going -makeup were faces lined with the fatigue of weeks of sleepless nights. As we were walking down the street, from a passing car a young man yelled out, “Hey, Sluts.” We laughed at the irony, but this really reinforces my point. The words didn’t have anything to do with what we looked like or were wearing just as the guy driving by didn’t really want to get to know those 11 year olds. The catcall is directed at a pair of legs or a woman shaped idea, not a person. It is mostly, at its heart, about reinforcing stereotypes and generalizations about women as sexual objects. An aspect that confuses this issue is that a catcall can be given by a stranger or a friend, just like a compliment can be. For example, one day when I was just 18, my first year at college and on my own, I was walking down the street by myself and an older man at a cafe table made eye contact with me and said, “You are special.” I remember smiling at him and feeling so, you know, special. The reason this was a compliment and not a catcall is because he looked at me, he smiled at me. I think the other aspect was it was between me and him. There was no audience, no one at the table with him. It was two-way conversation. Generally, a catcall is about the audience. The person that is getting catcalled is simply a prop in the performance that the catcaller is making for the group he is with, which can be even more painful when the catcaller is a friend or acquaintance. Another bizarre similarity between a catcall and a compliment is that they can actually be the same words. Often times a catcall is more sexual or derogatory than a compliment, but sometimes it is not. Sometimes it is a simple “Hey Mama” or “Hey Baby,” but the key difference is again intention and delivery. The same words feel very different based on whether they are delivered by a smiling person one-on-one as opposed to a group throwing out the words like scraps to a dog. To clarify, I am not a woman who instantly resents comments about my appearance. In fact, I love fashion, makeup and savor a good compliment, even if it is just that my legs look great. I also give compliments out like candy, even to strangers because I love the little thrill of seeing someone smile when at the unexpected words. I appreciate physical beauty. However, I hate catcalling because it has the opposite effect. It provokes fear and discomfort and is not at all about connection. Some might question why it matters. Catcalling is a harmless or maybe just slightly inconvenient part of modern life. However, in a world that is becoming more sensitive to bullying and harassing behaviors, catcalling is just another in a long list of ways that people try to make someone else feel small. It reinforces a power inequality that, in other areas, our society is making strides to correct. It contributes to the fear that women and girls feel walking alone, an activity, which, in a perfect world, would be a easy part of everyday life. Most insidiously it makes the person that is targeted question their feelings because maybe she should just take it as a compliment.
0 Comments
|
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
March 2018
Categories |